What are the things you hope no one knows? The things you keep hidden so you do not appear imperfect? My word this year is uncomfortable, which is challenging to say the least. Here are some things that I struggle with:
I hope no one knows I take anxiety medication so my Lupus does not flare due to stress.
I wish my house was updated and an interior designer would come in to paint the walls and decorate.
My marriage is one big fight from being over.
My body is never good enough and I compare all the time.
I may be teacher of the year, but my test scores are always lacking and I feel that one day I will be punished because I cannot get them higher.
I am infertile and I question if it has to do with the sin of my past.
I worry most about failing as a mom with his weight, screen time, education and work ethic.
I struggle with a shopping addiction and get distracted with social media.
I hope no one ever sees what is really in my heart.
I had to take out a loan to pay for a massive amount of debt.
I am an imperfect person in need of a perfect Savior.
Covid has wreaked havoc on education. Sub shortages, teachers leaving the profession, kids with anxiety and on medication…now even the leaders are retiring. So the big question is “Why?”
The short answer is apathy. In order to keep schools afloat and not ruin an academic future, schools required as little as possible. We took one grade per week, made most assignments optional, gave a choice to show up in person…we made learning easy and students got comfortable. However, what we were doing was hardly education. We were surviving.
When schools reopened, we again made many things optional and the virtual experience became a joke. Students got a year of very minimal learning as most teachers were forced to do a hybrid learning model. So now even though school was back in session, the learning struggled as teachers were overwhelmed balancing both. Later, Texas tested all of our kids while saying it did not count…was a baseline for the future. Wrong!
HB4545 is attempting to bridge the gaps of the horrific scores that “did not count” while frustrating teachers and making them feel defeated. Students have seen how minimal effort can bring a grade and failing is still nearly impossible so why put in more than the minimal? Then we got the sub issue.
Certain districts pay more than others so subs are really community members that love their community.
Watching the Amazing Race episode 3 when they shut down due to Covid, reminded me I have trauma. Trauma from life shutting down and my job closing. Trauma from sending kids home with one hug and a good bye. Trauma from virtual teaching. Trauma from homeschooling as a teacher. Trauma from learning new things and putting them to use quickly. Trauma from wanting to teach but realizing we are just giving a grade…most kids did as little as possible.
The teacher trauma is real!
Now we have schools with anxious students and teachers and leaders in very stressful situations. Balancing everyone’s mental health and not wanting anyone to break.
So here we are…brave educators digging in deep to ride this out. Kids are fragile so we all must walk carefully. No other job impacts children like teaching and I am here to stay…but things are challenging as you have to choose between scores and sanity.
It is what is, but the more support the better! Parents show you care. Teachers check on each other. Leaders show grace and compassion and serve your staff. Students come to school to learn. We can conquer this together. God is with us and suffering produces perseverance. The answers are complicated, but hope and love are strong and I believe in our business and system.
To me January 1st is just another day. Whatever vision you had on December 31st could be done then…why wait? Why be dramatic about January 1st…it seems like it is setting one up to get on this hig emotional high then fail. However, I do love graduations to reflect and endings call for new beginnings.
Four areas I want to examine:
Relationships
Relationship goals…lifelong friends where you can be vulnerable and fail, but they pick you up.
Spiritual Habits
calendar of praying for a child
Health-mind and physical. I am hopeful to get answers to my weight loss, gain some weight, and not let inflammation bring me down.
My CG trainer and my spin class teacher- mix up the workouts!
Reading-both to grow and for pleasure
Bible Recap Reading Plan
I see these four areas as important to me and areas where I can grow. Work is important too and I have goals there…but at my stage of life…so much time is spent on making a name for myself as a teacher that it is exhausting. Sometimes I just need to live my life and bring that to the curriculum I know.
Teacher friendsAlways a learner
My school family!
So today, give yourself grace. Notice the baby steps to be better, but do not suffocate yourself with strict guidelines. Enjoy the journey!
Be you and embrace it!Appreciate where you are! Some may see this as being complacent but I see it as being content. You are enough!I love hearing feedback from people I trust, but you cannot make everyone happy.Move forward afraid.This is a fun tool to track exercise or books read or classes attended…
Happy 2022. The year I blog until I get busy again!
The face I make returning to school after a long break!
So over the past few months I have continued to lose weight without trying. Sounds awesome, but not when you look sick and you are down to a size 0 and under 100 pounds. Only in small outfits does it look sexy…in most clothes I look ill. So I have had to pause Camp Gladiator so I can visit doctors and figure out the root. When you need every calorie, you have zero to burn!
So far I have been to three doctors and received an ultrasound of my thyroid. Gastronologist is next along with a high protein diet, delivered meal plan so I snack all day and eat and protein shakes from Crandall Nutrition. Again, blessed to not worry about losing pounds, but never Google unexplained weight loss.. it is scary! Join me in praying for some direction!
Finally, in all the day to day, I am leaning into my self. Put a pause in working on my relationships, and am focusing on God and my mental health. Sadly, I tend to lose me in us and it is time to look at who God says I am.
Turning 42 flipped a switch. Who am I? Where do I want to be in a year? Who do I want by my side if I have to battle a deadly disease tomorrow? No time to question loyalty…I need to know my team and live in it! Stay tuned for Julia 42.0!
In Lupus related news, I am now on Methextrate and off Plaquenil. Over time, my symptoms began to look more like RA and the joint pain became too much. I now have side effects of headaches and mouth ulcers, but feel better than ever joint-wise. Kinda scared to find out what 62 feels like since 42 already feels like 92, but believing in a cure and a good Lord comeback!
I stepped out of my comfort zone this summer and joined a Bible Study for women. Not only that, but I led a table group. I struggle being in a room with women that love Jesus because I feel like I fail in being a godly woman. I do not see myself worthy of being a pastor’s wife.
I drink.
I listen to 90’s rap and like it. On bad days, I catch myself talking gangsta like in the lyrics.
I am good at doing the stanky leg.
I complain and am idle.
I do not like people in my home and buy goodies rather than bake them.
I do not craft…in fact I hate it.
I just do not feel like I represent a woman of the church. But I love Jesus and so do the women I got to “lead” this summer. I wanted to be at the table with my friends or the table with the people my age, but God had a better plan. I was at the table with a mix of ages and he sat me down so that I could be mentored and taught. I gained new friends and grew in my relationship with Christ.
This is Bible Study.
This is the church.
If you have not studied with Ruth Chou, then I encourage you to study Truthfilled. It takes you on a journey through Colossians to learn your identity in Christ. To rehearse His truths. So powerful in this age where we easily get our confidence from likes, views and followers. Truth is what we say to ourselves is everything…so speak truth!
I struggle with this. I put off Bible study to put away dishes. I avoid reading his word to vacuum. I get more concerned about others being impressed with my home I stop to consider how they feel about themselves in my presence. I need to reconsider my priorities.
I fail at this daily. The author of the Bible Recap says “You are a person that reads her Bible, wants to read her Bible or wants to want to read her Bible.” I fall in the middle.
I am on Day 102 of a Bible reading plan, but should be on Day 175 I think. I started strong then stalled. I thought summer days would catch me up and I failed at that, too. My problem is distractedness. I sit down then lose focus. I am a failure.
Now, I celebrate that I have read 102 more days of the Bible than I read last year, but I can do better. I want to do better. I feel better and can handle life better when God’s truth is poured into me. I strive to be more like God.
But believing God is where the joy is at is much different than living it, so I continue to pray and do more. Truthfully, every time God has called me to study His word…he ends up preparing me for a battle where His word has sustained me. I will see if this time is different, but I know I am armed with the truth and that is enough.
Temps are expected to get above freezing today as this winter storm rolls out and I already feel some normalcy in the air. Stores reopening. People driving. Making plans.
It is time. Have not worn a real bra or gotten out of the house since Saturday night. Ate only homecooked meals the entire week….no.take out.at.all. No packages delivered. Just chilled at home. Spent a fortune on water and electricity, but we were fortunate to have no pipes burst. Saw hospitality and kindness in so many different ways. Tried to give what I could in any area around me that did not need it. Walked in the snow to deliver a birthday gift. A neighbor brought me tea bags. Friendship.
Read books, took online classes, worked out virtually, read with my son, watched movies and DVDs. Worked around the house. Binged on social media. Slowed down. Read my Bible and my Book Study for church and school. Recharged. Took a break.
Now back to the grind. Will never forget this week of snow with my son. Taking one last day to enjoy it then kiss it goodbye. Epic pictures and memories to last a lifetime.
My plans are worthless. I learned that in Covid, then things got back to “normal-ish” and I forgot and now I am reminded in this Winter storm again. My plans are worthless.
My calendar is a wish list and a “I hope to do…”. My dad would always say to EVERY thing “If it is the Lord’s will..” It drove me crazy, but it is more right than wrong. My calendar was slashed again with this Texas ice storm and I am not complaining. I have been blessed with the essentials and luxuries that I appreciate now more than ever. Do not take it for granted, Julia…heat, electricity, water…they are gifts!
As we, Lord willing, start wrapping this Winter Storm up I am reminded we are made to follow Him. We were created to worship.
Created to obey.
Created to trust.
Created to sin.
Created to need a Savior and one willing to sacrifice.
Created to thank Him and tell others about this gift.
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